Normal Child Behavior Parents often have difficulty telling the difference between variations in normal behavior and true behavioral problems. In reality, the difference between normal and abnormal behavior is not always clear; usually it is a matter of degree or expectation. A fine line often divides normal from abnormal behavior, in part because what is "normal" depends upon the child’s level of development, which can vary greatly among children of the same age. Development can be uneven, too, with a child’s social development lagging behind his intellectual growth, or vice versa. In addition, "normal" behavior is in part determined by the context in which it occurs – that is, by the particular situation and time, as well as by the child’s own particular family values and expectations, and cultural and social background.Three Types of BehaviorSome parents find it helpful to consider three general kinds of behavior:
- Some kinds of behavior are wanted and approved. They might include doing homework, being polite, and doing chores. These actions receive compliments freely and easily.
- Other behavior is not sanctioned but is tolerated under certain conditions, such as during times of illness (of a parent or a child) or stress (a move, for instance, or the birth of a new sibling). These kinds of behavior might include not doing chores, regressive behavior (such as baby talk), or being excessively self-centered.
- Still other kinds of behavior cannot and should not be tolerated or reinforced. They include actions that are harmful to the physical, emotional, or social well-being of the child, the family members, and others. They may interfere with the child’s intellectual development. They may be forbidden by law, ethics, religion, or social mores. They might include very aggressive or destructive behavior, overt racism or prejudice, stealing, truancy, smoking or substance abuse, school failure, or an intense sibling rivalry.
Typical behaviour for each developmental stage
Infants & Babies (0-12 months).
- Everything will go in the mouth – hands, feet, food, toys, shoes – you name it.
- If they are crying, there is something they need – a sleep, a cuddle, food, changing. They don’t yet have the words to communicate, but crying is a spectacularly effective way for baby humans to get big humans to move mountains for them. One of the beautiful things about babies is that they will never ask for more than they need.
- Wary of strangers and might get upset when familiar people aren’t close by.
- Babies will stare. They love faces and will stare at faces in real life, in books and in mirrors. Oh to be at an age where staring at other people is socially acceptable – and cute.
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1-2 years.
- Will become more interactive.
- No understanding of intentionality – they see, they do without thinking about why or what it means. For example, when they bite, it is not to hurt, when they grab toys from other kids it’s not to cause upset, it’s to … well, everyone knows that things are for grabbing, right. Or eating.
- Will follow their curiosity and will pull things down or apart to see what happens. Ditto with throwing anything onto the floor.
- Not developmentally able to share.
- Might seem bossy and selfish, but keep in mind that anything they are interested in or considers to be theirs will be seen as an extension of themselves. Of course nobody else is entitled to take it!
- Beginning to understand possession, and developing a strong sense of self.
- Two of their favourite words to say, ‘Mine!’ and ‘No!’
- Two of their least favourite words to hear, ‘Mine!’ and ‘No!’
- Will often wake during the night.
- Towards the end of this stage, they may become more defiant as they start to experiment with their independence. May tantrum because they become frustrated by their lack of words and their lack of ability to communicate.
- Tantrums will also be driven by their experience of big emotions (frustration, anger, sadness, shame) that they don’t have the words for.
- Will be more likely to play alongside other kids, rather than with them.
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3 years old.
- Will experiment with independence. May lead to tantrums.
- Will want increased control. May lead to tantrums.
- Will become frustrated when disappointed. May lead to tantrums.
- May see an increase in tantrums.
- Will flip between wanting to be independent (‘I do it!’, or ‘by myself’) and wanting to be treated like a little person (‘carry me’ or ‘you do it’).
- Will form a special attachment to the word ‘no’ and will practice it often. Even when they might mean ‘yes’. (Ahhhh toddlers! Fortunately, evolution has given them a profound capacity for cuteness while they are sleeping. This is important for those catastrophic events, such as when you miss the notification that sandwiches are now to be served as little triangles, not little squares as was previously deemed acceptable. If this happens, just go with it – you’ll need your energy for when they realise you haven’t bought the toothpaste with Elsa on the tube.)
- Might stutter or stammer.
- Will start to assert control over their environment by wanting to plan activities, do things by themselves, and try challenging things.
- Might keep calling you back when they are put to bed.
- Might develop sudden fears and phobias.
- May confuse real and make believe, so may have one or a collection of imaginary friends.
- Still won’t understand sharing and will often assert ownership, ‘Mine!’
- Might show jealousy when parent gives attention to other children.
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4 years old.
- Will start to be critical and will define the world in simple terms. Things and people will be right or wrong, good or bad, nice or not nice.
- They will start to realise the power of their words and will sometimes use them to get their way or to control others. Their command of language will still be loose, so they will often back up what they are saying with actions (hitting, pushing, grabbing) or non-verbal’s (tone, volume, facial expressions, posture/stance).
- Will become competitive.
- Will still blur reality and fantasy sometimes. Might tell lies, extravagant stories, or have imaginary friend/s.
- Still building their sense of self and experimenting with independence, so might be stubborn, defiant and bossy.
- Will do all sorts of things to avoid bedtime.
- Might have bad dreams.
- Might develop a fear of the dark or become anxious thought of being separated from parent or caregiver.
- Will start to enjoy playing with other kids rather than simply alongside them.
- Will test their limits with you but will still be keen to please and help you out when they can.
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Five years old.
- Will understand the importance of rules but might divert from the rules when playing. Rules tend to be ‘flexible’ – for them at least.
- May accuse others of cheating if they don’t win a game.
- Will start to show empathy and an understanding that other people might have points of view that are different to their own.
- Will be able to share but might still find it difficult, especially when it comes to their special things.
- Might be afraid of failure, criticism and spooky things like ghosts or monsters.
- Attention span will start to increase which will impact on the type of discussions you are able to have with them.
- Might come across as being an ‘expert’ on everything.
- Will enjoy joking around and will start to develop ‘potty’ humour.
- Will be looking to make their own decisions, particularly around what to wear and what to eat.
- If starting at school, might be moodier, more sensitive or more tired than usual. It’s exhausting having to sit still and concentrate for long periods.
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Six years old.
- It’s pretty likely that they will know a lot more than you. Just ask them.
- May start tantruming again.
- Can start to test the limits but will still want to please you and help out.
- Will seek praise for their school work and for the good things they do.
- Will seek to master new skills and to feel competent.
- Might worry about being away from you.
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Seven years old.
- Might tend towards complaining, usually about their parents or the rules, but also about friends and other kids.
- Will feel misunderstood by many.
- Can be dramatic about school, friends or life in general.
- Will try to use words to talk about how they are feeling but may become frustrated and angry when they are upset.
- Will be becoming more aware of what other people think.
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Eight years old.
- Will want you to think the way they do and will have little tolerance for your difference of opinion.
- Will be very sensitive to what you think of them.
- Will often fight with the mother.
- There won’t be a lot of grey. Things will be black or white, right or wrong, good or bad.
- This tendency to think in absolutes might cause a little trouble with friendships. Take comfort in knowing that yours won’t be the only small person struggling with this. They’ll be okay – this is the part where they learn about friendships and how to get along with people.
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Nine years old.
- Friends will start to be more important than parents, and this will continue through adolescence.
- What their friends think will start to become more and more important.
- Will narrow the friendship field by having closer friendships, but less of them.
- Will share jokes and secrets with friends.
- Will push against rules and directions and may disrespect you.
- Will be able to be loving and silly but will also develop the capacity to be selfish, argumentative and abrasive.
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Ten to eleven years old.
- The tantrums of childhood will be calming down by now. Enjoy it because adolescence has heard that you’re relaxing and it’s on its way.
- Might still argue about rules and the necessity and detail of them.
- Will try to explain away misbehavior through excuses and justifications. They will fight hard to find the loophole in the rule.
- Promises become important and they will remember EVERYTHING – except when it’s their turn to take out the rubbish.
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Adolescence
- Friends will be more important than family. You’re still important, but there’s – find who they will be when they step into the world as a healthy, independent adult. Just like you had to do at their age.
- What their peers think of them will be a source of stress to them for a while, peaking for girls at age 13 and for boys at age 15. They might go to extra lengths to try to fit in with their peers. This might involve making silly decisions or putting themselves in risky situations. Breathe. It will end.
- They will become more argumentative and will push against you more. This is perfectly in keeping with their adolescent adventure and their experimentation with independence.
- May become more emotionally distant from you (don’t worry – they’ll come back but maybe not until they leave their teens).
- Might not want to be seen in public with you – however cool you are.
- Will experiment with their image, their identity, and the way they are in the world.
- They may become sexually active.
- They might be impulsive and they might start taking risks. (For a full explanation of why they do this, see here.)
- They will be more creative and will start to think about the world in really interesting, different ways.
- They will act like your opinion of them doesn’t matter but it does – as much as ever.
- They will often misread your emotional expressions – reading anger, hostility or disappointment when you feel nothing like any of that (See here to understand teenage emotional flare-ups).
- Their sleep cycle will change. Their circadian rhythm will move them about three hours past where they were as kids. This means that they will fall asleep three hours past the time they used to and unless they are completely exhausted, it will be biologically very difficult for them to fall asleep earlier. They will need about 9-10 hours’ sleep so will need to sleep in for later.
- Will want to make their own decisions about the things that affect them.
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Tsakani Stella Rikhotso | Monitoring & Evaluation OfficerSayProWebsite: www.saypro.onlineCell: 27 (0) 713 221 522Email: tsakaniStudy and Qualifications www.saypro.onlineOur Company www.saypro.online |
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